LIKE THIS

Not sure why I like this photo so much. But I do. Even better if you click on it to enlarge.

Perhaps because it was a pathetically failed photo with the new camera, but with a lot of fiddling I made it into something satisfying. Underneath the poor light and muddy colours was a skeletal composition that I liked.

Minimalism rules.  At least in my present mood.

I succombed on Saturday to three days of terrible migraine. Three or four weeks of working like shit, excessively long hours in front of the computer, disturbed sleep, feeling very stressed because no matter how hard I work it's never enough. The migraine kept returning and I kept taking drugs, far too many drugs, and it kept returning. Eventually, the drugs didn't do their job any more.  It's as though when pushed too hard something very deep in my body, very fundamental to my constitution, starts screaming, "No, no, stop!". I can put a pillow of medication over it and hold it down hard and it will go quiet, but every time I take the pillow off it starts screaming again, and my arms aren't strong enough to keep holding down the pillow for ever.

The pace at which most working people in my society live is impossible for me. It makes me very ill. And perhaps this is a blessing (although it's hard to see such vicious, relentless pain and nausea as a blessing). A lot of people just keep going until it kills them. Whether it's a blessing or not, I don't have much choice about it. This is the only person I can be.

Well, the Easter break starts soon. I'm going mostly off line for a week, or ten days, or two weeks.  Then we'll see. I've said this so many times. But  if I don't do something soon, I fear that one day the agony will start up and it won't stop in a few days, my body will have been pushed too far and will no longer be able to rediscover its equilibrium.

Scary stuff, but good, perhaps, to recognise it. Probably good.

Comments

[Zhoen]

Listen.

That photo has a surreal edge, where the overexposure vanishes with only the black posts remain. Echo the white trees, the stilled figures. Not accidental, just surprizing.

[Stray]

Your migraine sounds just awful Jean.

I agree, the pace of life is such that you can just keep going and going until you keel over these days.

I hope that you'll find a way to adjust your life to include blogging as a helpful and supportive channel, not another rock in your sack, but good on you for drawing a line for a while.

I think for me the key is not to be 'blogging' or 'not blogging' but just to do it when it seems right. I didn't write at all really for about 4 months ... and now I'm back posting daily ... but it's ok. Either is fine. Everything you have already written does not vanish when you don't write today :)

Sx

[tamarika]

Dear Jean,
What a painful time in every sense of the word. Whatever you choose to do with your blogging, I'll be checking in on you. Am holding you in my thoughts right now.

[marja-leena]

The composition in the photo is striking, I can see why you did not give up on it. How awful for you, the work stress and migraines! I do hope the break helps you feel better, Jean! Take care, blessings and wishes for good health,

[kurt]

Wishing you a peaceful Easter break, Jean, and freedom from the migraine. Be well...and happy.

[Tall Girl]

Sending peaceful thoughts. Have a good rest.

[beth]

Jean, I love the picture - it's that whiteness and skeletalness, but with underlying structure, that I like so much. Funny how accidental things often reveal something special in photography.

I'm so sorry about the migraine, and you're right that the pace is killing, and that these body signs are a warning to us. I feel similarly these days...Please do get some rest and calmness, and don't worry - we will be here when you get back.

[udge]

Wishing you peace and recovery, and a change of pace to something healthier and more sensible after Easter.

[Pica]

Jean: it's a wonderful photo.

And, yes, do please get some good rest over your break. I'll be thinking about you.

[MB]

Very interesting photo — so much that is clear, and much that is suggested or unfinished or leading elsewhere.

You are wise to listen to your body. (It's the only one you've got.) Take good care of yourself. I'm sending warm thoughts for good health, good energy, rest and restoration...

[Dave]

It is a compelling photo.

Hope the break does you good and you can knock the migraine. Get some sleep.

[leslee]

I love the photo, too. The washed-out color makes it look like something archival.

Do take care of yourself. Have a good break and rest. You don't have to live that way. I'm sure of it. In fact, you can't. Not with a sensitive system. Keep meditating on a different option. I'm sure a breakthrough will come eventually. Meanwhile, rest and recover.

[Teju]

That's a great photo Jean. One of your best (and that's saying a lot).

I wish you healing.

[dale]

Dear Jean. Yes, it'll kill us if we let it.

The fact is it's never enough no matter how much of it we do, so actually it doesn't feel much different to stop with a reasonable amount of work than with an excessive amount -- we're deceived into thinking we'll feel less swamped if we just slave through this bit and get through it or through that bit and get our heads above water, but actually it's not so. The work expands indefinitely to always be just a little more than we can manage, no matter what.

I'm having a minor echo of this right now, with my supposed twenty hour per week job drifting into a thirty hour per week job. I'll have to be stern and force myself to walk away after twenty hours.

Always haunted by the sense that I haven't done a good enough job -- that's what drives the overwork, for me -- and that I have to make up for my past inefficiency / laziness / stupidity. Even in this job, when I have been none of those things, the habits of thought are so entrenched that I respond just the same. Sigh.

xoxoxo

[Brenda]

I like the fadeout, or it could be an incoming vision.

You know me, I've leapt many times. Can't say there are any regrets, but hellishly painful, that's unavoidable.

The thing is, there's suffering either way. Resisting change is painful; changing is painful.

Sometimes I suggest throwing the pain and stress, the lot of it, away. What good does it do? To my daughter I recently said, if being unhappy makes you unhappy, dump it. She said she couldn't. It's not like that. But why not? If pain serves a purpose, then I suppose... but what if it doesn't? What if it's not a symptom of anything, but a residue, a pattern, a left-over?

Probably I'm not making any sense (though her mood has considerably improved this week). And a migraine is hardly something you can chuck out. Still, sometimes pain is quite useless. It's like, deactivate the obsessive-compulsive areas of the brain. Raise the dopamine. Laugh. And don't stop laughing.

While I hate to hear you've been struggling with a migraine, and overworking, and are exhausted, I'm glad to hear you're taking time off and I hope you thoroughly enjoy your break.

Wishing you chocolates and love~ xo

[bitterroot]

Oh Jean, take care of yourself! Thinking of you and wishing you good health and a measured pace...

[Richard Lawrence Cohen]

The photo's like a woman who isn't conventionally pretty but is more interesting than that, alluring, unique, thought-provoking. I can see why it would be the photographer's favorite. And it's an approach to minimalism that I haven't seen before, and especially intriguing for that.

Take care of yourself, Jean. We're all with you.

[Lucy]

Have a good break, and I hope your way through becomes clear soon.

[Zinnia Cyclamen]

I don't want to add pressure - you clearly have more than enough - so I want to offer support. But I have something I have been wanting to say for ages. I fear it will add pressure, I hope it will offer support, but whether the effect is either of those or something yet unthought, the words that want to burst out from me are: I miss your story.

[Natalie]

I missed this post, Jean, being wrapped up in my own current stresses (not all bad stress though, unlike your migraine). I'm sure that as I write this you're in a more peaceful space and that this break is just what you need. Thinking of you and sending you love.

[kasturi]

yes, i too hope the break is good and does you good. the photo is spacious, morning, hushed sounds - thanks for that.

a good friend of mine is going through something similar with migraines. i liked oliver sacks' book 'Migraine,'found it helpful. my husband used to have them but doesn't anymore. now he has back aches though, so what to say?

[Michael]

Hello Jean,

I can relate to your headaches. I get multiple, sometimes debilitating headaches several times a day, every day. The cause of my headaches is different from the cause of yours, but the pain and frustration are the same nonetheless.

Please don't fear that your physical situation is moving inexorably to the point of no return. The body is so incredibly resilient, as I'm sure you realize, and the mind is, too.

You seem to have a handle on what needs to be done to rectify your situation, in that you've recognized that the pace of life of those around you is not practical or sustainable for you. Maybe it's time to focus on setting the pace of Jean's life, with less thought as to how your pace measures up to the pace set by others. I hope I don't sound cocky or sanctimonious.

Relentless pain and nausea can be a blessing if they trigger a response in you to do something about it. I'm working hard to realize this in my own life.

[Dick]

The picture has something of the atmosphere of Chirico's 'The Enigma of Arrival' Haunting in the same way.